Temper Tantrums - How to Stay in Control of the Uncontrollable

One of the most difficult aspects of parenting is learning to control our own emotions so that we may help our children learn to control theirs.

When our child has a temper tantrum, he has effectively lost control of himself. In this moment, your child is in his right brain. He is emotional and he is unable to access his cognitive and rational thinking (i.e., his left brain.) Asking him to tell you 'why' he is acting in this way or to rationalize with him in any way is non-productive. Asking him to make a 'choice' is impossible. And asking him to 'stop' is against nature.

In this moment we have many choices available to us, but one choice we can make is to simply allow yourself to join your child in his deregulated emotional place. Let the rational thought and the life lesson follow later when he is calm and more receptive. Join him in love and allow him the space to be all he knows how to be for that very moment.

This means to just be present - especially with your own emotional state.

When you 'lose it', your child will too. It is so empowering to stay in control, when your child has completely lost control. To come out the other end of their emotional outburst and be loving and present. We do not always have the emotion resources to do this - and that's okay. If you do lose control, say sorry and explain that you lost control of yourself and that it's not their fault.

Teach your children that you are the master of your emotions and no-one else can make you angry unless you let them. So, if you do get angry at them and shout, always say sorry afterwards and remind them that the anger was about you and not about them. Nothing they do can really make you angry. This is such an important lesson to learn. We cannot expect our children to take control and responsibility for their emotions, unless we do the same. How else are they to learn?

Where there is great opportunity, there is also great adversity. These times are golden! Our children are teaching us so much about ourselves; our job is to learn. Emotional reactivity only comes from our own unfinished business.

You can only expect your child to be as regulated as you are. If you are deregulated, take a time-out for yourself. Give yourself time to refuel when you become emotionally, physically, and spiritually overwhelmed. Lock yourself in your bedroom if you have to until you feel calm or at least in control. Breathe deep and remember that you are the adult and you are ultimately responsible for the way you feel and react to your child's emotions.

Remember that fear inside us is revealed in what we do and in the way we do it.